The Internet’s been pretty excited about BioShock Infinite this week, and why shouldn’t it be? According to that 2K marketing department, the original is apparently the highest-rated first-person shooter of all time. That’s a big deal, brother, especially when you consider that FPS is the best genre around and Metacritic ratings are a gospel to live by. Unfortunately, Infinite is different, and not in the exciting way you might imagine. No, BioShock Infinite actually sports several features that make it a disgusting disaster from day one that real gamers should refuse to buy. I know I will, and here’s why.

The Delay

Announced ages ago in 2010, BioShock Infinite has been delayed at least a dozen times. Or if it hasn’t, it sure feels like it. You know what that is? Plain rude. Gamers across the world demanded an earlier release date for Infinite and damn if we didn’t deserve the opportunity to put it in our Christmas stockings in 2012. Now it’s showing up so many years later and expecting our warm welcome? Sorry sister, we won’t be giving you one. Duke Nukem Forever already proved that delaying a game too long makes it automatically awful, so why did Irrational Games do this to us? I mean, what’s the big deal? Fantastic franchises like Assassin’s Creed and Madden receive a new release every year, so why not BioShock? Everyone knows the series would make more money if it were annualized anyway. Everyone except its idiot publisher. Get it together, 2K, because BioShock will forever be remembered as that dumb game that got delayed. And there’s no one to blame but you.

Columbia isn’t Rapture

It’s an undeniable fact that trilogies are the ultimate formula for a franchise, but BioShock Infinite flung that free tip out its miles-high window. Rapture was crazy, creepy, and somewhere I was comfortable. I would literally do anything to retread that underwater ground, yet somehow we ended up in a stupid cloud city that’s probably a direct rip-off from Empire Strikes Back. Even if the first two stories found their own conclusions, couldn’t Ken Levine invent another narrative to happen in Rapture? How about a prequel? God of War: Ascension and Gears of War: Judgement recently showed us all that prequels are the hands-down most intriguing and engaging entries in a series, yet it seems like BioShock missed that bus to Success Town. Such easy steps, so blatantly ignored. What a pity.

No Multiplayer

BioShock 2 is universally believed to be the better of the past two games, superior to the original for one solid reason: multiplayer. Shooters are all about showing off serious skills and Infinite is a classic case of a developer not learning from its oh-so-early mistakes. When this main campaign’s over, that’s it. Honestly. I can’t even configure how low that hours/dollar value will be for those sorry souls who were already sucked in to picking up a copy. Hey 2K, you know why Call of Duty is the biggest game in the world? Multiplayer. Sweet, sweet muliplayer. Because those guys are smart. They understand this direct relationship: The more multiplayers you have, the higher your user review scores become. It’s science. You screwed it up.

Here’s a video about the worst girl in gaming.

Giant Escort Mission

Have you seen that wimpy girl in the trailers for BioShock Infinite? Well, it sounds like she follows you around the entire time! Guess what, game designers? The PlayStation 2 called – it wants its escort missions back. Games with these terrible things probably have a Metacritic average no better than a 40, tops. They’re the reason we all hated Ico and they’re another reason we all hate Infinite. She’d be another man if it were up to me. Maybe then she’d actually fit in a guy’s game, with an awesome co-op campaign like in Army of Two. Instead, I bet you can’t even shoot her. Prepare to scream her name in sheer frustration as she gets in the way of every enemy you were just about to kill before you died. If anything, at least 2K had the brains to keep her off the front cover art.


I haven’t played BioShock Infinite yet because my pirated copy still won’t run right, but I heard this new world is pretty racist (another reason we should still be in Rapture, by the way). It’s not even confirmed if you can shoot the racists (and wouldn’t that situation have made the perfect team deathmatch scenario?). Rather, Infinite’s racism is intertwined with its bizarre story – bizarre, of course, because racism is dead. It has been for years and it’s better if we don’t remember those dark days. Especially in video games, a hobby that’s supposed to be fun 100% of the time. We signed up to kill faceless foes, not watch an introspective soapbox preaching Ken Levine’s views on nonexistent societal issues. When I want serious stuff, I’ll watch Fox News. For now, I want to game. And I’ll game with absolutely anything that isn’t entitled BioShock Infinite.